Miracle Monday #2

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What am I grateful for today?

I am grateful that I have the entire bed to myself. I don’t have to deal with sheets/blankets being pulled off me (waking up to being freezing cold is no fun), my pillow being pulled out from under my head (waking up to your head smacking the headboard is no fun), being kicked or shoved (waking up to hanging off the bed is no fun) or being drowned in morning breath and/or excessive farting (no comment is probably necessary). I can sit up and read as long as I like, without the bedside lamp disturbing anyone and I can work on my laptop whenever I want without the clicking of the keys keeping anyone awake.

Tell me, what are you thankful for today?

Single Shaming

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Happy Friday, my fellow Divas! Fridays are always good and welcome but I know I have seen them differently since my split. No longer do I have standing plans or an automatic date for whatever is going on. The weekend can be good for going out with friends (I don’t have to check anyone’s schedule but mine) or relaxing at home (yes, I am going to wear my pajamas half the day . . . so?) but if you’re feeling particularly down or lonely, the weekends can bring that pain to the surface. You can feel isolated and alone at home; out with friends, you can be surrounded by couples, further highlighting your new singledom.

Before you split, you may have been thinking about all the wonderful things that being single would bring you. Your friends and family may have told you how awesome your life would be. You may have reminded yourself how great your life was pre-marriage and expected it to go right back to where it was. But the reality may be entirely different.

I have felt single shamed. It happened to me probably a month after I moved out. I had an appointment with my therapist and had time to kill. I did some window shopping and then decided I would grab brunch. I had a book to read while I ate so I thought I would be good to go. And I was . . . until I was seated at one of the mini-booths that hold two people and realized that I was the only solo person in the place. Everywhere I looked were couples and families. Worse, I was seated by the front door so every single family and couple that came through the door took a gander at me. I immediately felt self-conscious and shamed. Were they asking themselves “Doesn’t she have any friends?” “Why is she eating alone?” “Wow, it must suck to be her!” I felt naked and exposed. I had no wedding ring to say “Look! I’m part of a couple!” I had no Number 2 with me, or Kidlet. That was the first time it really sunk in for me that I was on my own.

Obviously I have no idea what those people may or may not have been saying about me. I speculate because I remember doing that myself, seeing a person eating all by their lonesome and wondering if they wanted to eat alone, if they enjoyed eating alone or . . . well, anything! I never meant anything rude or bad by it – – maybe it’s human nature – -but I was single shaming. Ouch.

So I have to wonder . . . does our society single shame?

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Why worry?

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I love this saying. Not that I necessarily follow it, of course.

I am a worrier. There, I said it. I worry about everything. I try not to. I try to keep a balanced, business-like approach but sometimes I guess I’m just too damn emotional or hormonal or something but I worry. Even when everyone tells me not to, I worry. I could definitely be a Class A worrier before the split but since — Worry City. I guess it’s natural, given the many changes my life has undergone this year. And most people are very happy to share their miserable, holy-cow-does-life-suck divorce stories with you.

What is crazy is that I work in a field where I have to be level headed and not emotional. I’m fine at work. I can separate myself from whatever is going on. I can analyze cooly and clearly with the best of them. And I know that worrying won’t change the outcome of anything. It truly won’t. But when it comes to my personal life and emotions . . .

Case in point: When Number 2 told me he was going to drag me into court, I worried. Even when family and friends told me that he was likely just blowing hot air because he’s impulsive and stupid enough to do that, I still worried. What if he’s not? Even when I was told by an attorney that he was shooting himself in the foot and such a thing would only benefit me, I worried. What if it doesn’t? I worried to the point that I had stomach cramps, I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. I have moved on from Number 2, I’m ready to be done with him so why?

Are you a worrier? Were you a worrier prior to your separation or divorce? How do you deal with a worrying nature while going about your day to day life?

Do You Boycott Others’ Happiness and Love?

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I came across an article titled “How To Deal: Other People’s Happiness” on a site called Everyone Gets Divorced. While this is a humorous, tongue-in-cheek look at how everyone appears to be getting engaged, married and blissfully happy while your world is changing and/or crumbling around you, it really resonated with me.

I found that once I changed my name on Facebook and deleted my relationship status entirely (to eventually be replaced by “divorced”), I seemed to be inundated with friends that were celebrating their love and happiness. As if that wasn’t bad enough, every spammy ad on every internet site I visited was for engagement rings. I hated them all. I hated everyone.

Okay, so maybe I didn’t hate everyone but I did hate those stupid engagement ring ads.

A family member got married several months after Number 2 and I split and while I didn’t attend the out of town wedding, I couldn’t help but have the pessimistic parade flowing freely through my mind; i.e., “Hope she knows what she’s getting into,” “Hope she doesn’t change her name anytime soon,” “Yeah, it’s all fun and games the first few months!” etc.

Let’s be honest. When you are dealing with the most difficult emotional time you may ever deal with in life, it’s pretty damn hard to be roses and sunshine to people who are celebrating the most wonderful emotional time in theirs. I’m sure I was an annoying ray of sunshine when Number 2 and I were first engaged and getting married. I’m sure if I could go back in time to that person right now, I would kick the shit out of her. So how do we manage to be happy for others without putting ourselves into a further funk?

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What To Do When He Becomes an Ass

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This could be a rhetorical question because maybe your SO was an ass to begin with or during the course of your relationship and that’s why he’s your ex. Mine sure was.

But he’s really pulling out the douchebag card recently, threatening to drag me into court. My first instinct? Cut his balls off with a rusty knife. My second? Know any hitmen? My third? Go with an old standby – – make a voodoo doll and start pricking the hell out of it!

Okay, so I jest. Mostly. Because cutting his balls off really seems like just punishment. However . . . since I have no desire to spend any time in an orange jumpsuit in county lockup, I figured it was best to take this online and see how others deal with it.

I do wonder if perhaps the fabulous new single life that Number 2 was expecting hasn’t exactly materialized and he’s pissed. I wonder if his big assed side piece maybe isn’t nearly as much fun now that the wife is out of the picture. I wonder if the Kidlet is being understandably moody, emotional and difficult. (If so . . . GOOD!) Like most exes, I’m an easy target. I can be blamed for most anything because I’m not there to defend myself and it certainly is much easier for Number 2 to blame me than himself, right?

What is his deal anyhow? He was the one that called a day on our marriage and he was the one that was so anxious to end it and get it finalized. Why the delay now? Why not leave me alone and enjoy your homewrecking hooker?

So many questions. I don’t sympathize with him. I don’t understand him. All this does is makes me question how I missed the seemingly obvious douchebaggery signs that emanate off him now like cocaine and alcohol fumes from Lindsay Lohan.

Have you dealt with this? And by this, I mean your ex going back on a previous agreement, turning into a major pain in the ass and trying to make your life hell for his enjoyment?

If you have, let’s commiserate!

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Miracle Monday #1

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Mondays are a bitch, aren’t they?  No matter how much, or little, we do over the weekend Monday shows up like a steamroller and even though I truly love my job, I always find myself wishing for just one more day.  Or at least more time to sleep in.

So I think I will start posting things that I am grateful for on Mondays.  It’s a good way to start the week and a good reminder that even in the tornado of a divorce, there are still blessings – – and miracles – – to be found.

What am I grateful for today?  I am grateful for my job.  Not only did I get it at the perfect time, right after I moved, but I work with fantastic, kind and fun people who make the so-called 9-5 a joy.  As an added bonus, I took a nice pay raise for this job.  Take that, Number 2!

Tell me, what are you thankful for today?

Do You Miss Him?

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“I don’t miss him. I miss the idea of him.”
Meg Ryan as Sally Albright, “When Harry Met Sally”

It’s funny how you can be with someone for more than ten years and then go cold turkey from them via a split and not even miss them at all. Do you miss your ex? I thought I did at the beginning. I thought I was still in love with him and it devastated me. How was I supposed to move forward if I still wanted to be with him, if I still had feelings for him? Fortunately I have a great therapist (who was supposed to provide marriage counseling but ended up only counseling me) that informed me that what I was feeling wasn’t real love, it was residual emotion. Kind of like the aftershock to an earthquake, which is a very fitting description I think.

Anyhow, I love When Harry Met Sally and I love all the fantastic quotes in the movie. It’s a great movie to watch post-split because you can relate to what the characters are going through, you can root for them and you can even feel good they get together at the end – – which is wonderful since I didn’t want to watch or think about anything remotely romantic when my split first happened. In my book, romance was equivalent to horror.

Back to the topic at hand – – I do miss the idea of Number 2. I miss having someone to share news with immediately, good or bad. I miss going to sleep next to someone and waking next to them. I miss having an automatic date for a movie I want to see or a restaurant I want to try. When I was watching World War Z, I kept thinking that if and when the zombie apocalypse went down, I am on my own. I had better make sure I am fully armed and ready and able to kick some ass because I won’t have a Brad Pitt to do it for me. I miss the idea of that partner for life.

But then I start thinking that I can share news, good or bad, with my friends and family. I may not be sleeping next to someone right now but at least I don’t have to wake up to morning breath, or the covers being pulled off me or being crowded out of bed. (I also don’t have to worry about being kicked, elbowed or smacked in my sleep, all of which happened with Number 2). By the end of our relationship, I didn’t have an automatic date for a movie I wanted to see because he always seemed to find a reason not to go, mainly because he was taking someone else out for movies. And obviously while Number 2 and I were legally married, he wasn’t a true partner for life.

So yes. I am very much a Sally. I miss the idea of him but not the person himself.

How about you? Do you miss him? If so, why? And what do you miss?

Is Divorce Genetic?

divorceI guess this could go the way of the infamous Twinkie defense but I think it’s a topic worth discussing.

For starters, I am currently going through my second divorce but I myself don’t come from a family of divorce. My parents have been married for more than 45 years. Both sets of grandparents were married for over 55 years. You could say that I am either the redheaded stepchild of the family or I have an uncanny ability to choose poor marriage partners (and the second assumption is pretty darn good). But I think it’s interesting to look at both my former spouse and current (but not for long) spouse.

Spouse Number 1 came from a family of divorce. His father was married five times, his mother three or four. He was left alone quite a bit as a young child. He didn’t have a solid family unit, or parental unit, to show him commitment, responsibility, nurturing or how to work through difficulties.

Spouse Number 2 comes from a family of divorce. Father married four times (so far), mother married three (so far). He was left to his own devices, it seems, quite a bit with his father working and playing and stepmother handling the household. Obviously no solid marital unit to show him commitment, responsibility or how to work through difficulties.

So did either Number 1 or Number 2 have any chance at all of a successful marriage? It wouldn’t seem so, not if you base your opinion on their backgrounds and family history.

This begs the question of whether ornot history is destined to repeat itself . . . and what to do to prevent that.

Obviously, neither you nor I can prevent others from choosing to do what they do. Number 2 wasn’t willing to go to counseling or do whatever it took to attempt to save the marriage. I think he would rather just be done with it and jump into an exciting new relationship than really work at it – – because he’s an ass. Number 1 was wary of counseling, mainly because he thought the counselor/therapist would tell me to leave him. I think both Numbers were also afraid that a counselor would hit on exactly what their issues and dysfunctions were, which is probably scary to someoen who has those issues and dysfunctions and doesn’t want to admit it.

With hindsight, I should have really thought more about entering into a committed relationship with Number 2. But I was in love and he told me that he recognized the problems his parents had, especially his father, and he wasn’t going to make the same mistakes (which of course he has made by the book). What do you do in that instance? Do you hold the person’s family and parental actions against them?

What do you think? Is divorce genetic? Are we setting up our future generations to be multiple marrieds?

And So It Begins

Hello friends – – or at least I hope we will be friends. If you found me and my blog, you must be involved in a divorce or relationship ending as I am.

Let’s face it . . . divorce sucks. Even if you want it (which I didn’t) and/or even if you know your life will be better (and mine already is), it is one of the most trying, difficult and stressful events you can face in life. It is the death of a relationship but without the closure of a funeral. Morbid but true. As my tagline says, divorce is a bitch.

So about me . . . I am a fortyish professional woman with no biological children (post to follow about that, I’m sure) who is assured and even feisty in general but allowed myself to be controlled by my soon to be former husband who I want to call The Agent of Satan but who could just as easily be Mr. Know It All, Einstein or Pain in My Ass. I’m not sure why I allowed myself to become more reserved and meek, other than generally being someone who doesn’t thrive on conflict, but maybe this blog will help me to discover my inner bitch. And keep her alive.

We were together for over ten years, I cared for and reared his Kidlet (oftentimes while he was traveling for work) and now that said Kidlet is not much longer for being a minor, said Pain in My Ass has decided that he doesn’t want to waste any more of his time and doesn’t want to be married any longer.

This will be my journey through a divorce, through separation from the Kidlet, through moving and starting over and about surviving it all. As Bette Davis famously said “Buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy night!” Bumps and all, I’m happy that you’re joining me for the journey.