Just Get Over It

If you are divorced or going through a divorce, chances are that you’ve heard the above sentiment.

I have.  Both times.  “It’s been (insert length of time) .  Aren’t you over it yet?”  “Stop thinking about him/them/it and move on!”  “You’re never going to get over it unless you stop thinking about it.”  All well-meaning comments, surely, but all woefully inappropriate, incorrect and inconsiderate.

First, there is no timetable for grief.  And have no doubt, divorce is a grieving process.  It’s like a death, sure, only worse because there is no finality and closure as when someone dies.  Your ex continues to walk around, potentially populate the earth and make you miserable rather than being buried under six feet of earth.  Some people may work through their grief in half the time it takes others.  It’s okay.  There is no right or wrong timeframe for healing, despite what others may tell you – – including some of the books on the shelves today.  And most definitely don’t look to celebrities for guidance – – I have been separated from Number Two since March and am still hurting and grieving.  I’m sure some in the celebrity realm would think I was an oddity for not yet having my next engagement lined up.   I am still grieving because the life I thought I had, that I thought I would have, is gone.  It’s devastating to suffer such a loss . . . and that’s okay.

Secondly, of course you’re thinking about your ex, your relationship and what you’re going through.  No shit, Sherlock!  There is nothing wrong with that.  It’s how you move forward and get to the other side.  Maybe it’s all-consuming right now but it won’t always be.  Each day the thoughts may lessen.  The only time there should be concern is if you can’t get out of bed, you’re missing work and/or you are figuring out the distance from your window to the pavement below.  Again, people mean well but if they haven’t gone through it — and especially if your split was precipitated by lying, cheating and/or abuse – – they assume that you should just be grateful you are no longer with the asshole and have no more feelings or thoughts about it whatsoever.  If you didn’t have feelings or thoughts about it, even months later, you wouldn’t be human and your relationship wouldn’t have been genuine.

Third, you don’t just get over divorce. You can get through it, as you would any type of loss or setback, but you don’t “get over it”.  Those people who do are the ones that immediately move from person to person (like Numbers One and Two) to avoid dealing with any emotional fallout.  That is what is not healthy and not normal.   When someone has lost a job, do people say “Get over it!”  Generally not.  Most people have sympathy and offer to help in ways they can.  So why are we so critical of people who are separated and divorced and insistent upon them getting back out there and moving on?  The loss of a relationship, of a home, of a way of life is much more stressful and serious than the loss of a job (although losing a job sucks too).

So if you’re grieving, it’s okay.  You’re not doing it the wrong way (unless you’re bottling up your emotions, refusing to acknowledge them and/or jumping into a serious relationship immediately to avoid dealing with your feelings).  Just be gentle with yourself and surround yourself with those people who will encourage you, support you and uplift you, not criticize you or tell you what you should be doing.  Accept the loss at your pace and do what you can to embrace your new life, the new YOU.   Know there will be bumps along the way and even setbacks.  It doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re human.

Let’s talk.  Has anyone told you to “get over it”?  Have you felt pressured by well-meaning friends and family to speed up your grieving process?  What’s the best advice anyone has given you on getting through your loss?

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Miracle Monday #3

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What am I grateful for today?

I am grateful for my girlfriends. It’s said that you never know who your real friends are until you’re in a crisis and that is so true. Real friends won’t just say they are sorry to hear about your split, they will go the extra mile by holding your hand when you need to cry, help you pack/unpack/move, force you into getting off your butt to go out and have that margarita! They will listen to you debate over the most irrelevant minutae of your relationship and assure you that everything will be fine and you won’t be all alone one day with twenty cats.

Do you have girlfriends like this?

What are you grateful for today?

Miracle Monday #2

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What am I grateful for today?

I am grateful that I have the entire bed to myself. I don’t have to deal with sheets/blankets being pulled off me (waking up to being freezing cold is no fun), my pillow being pulled out from under my head (waking up to your head smacking the headboard is no fun), being kicked or shoved (waking up to hanging off the bed is no fun) or being drowned in morning breath and/or excessive farting (no comment is probably necessary). I can sit up and read as long as I like, without the bedside lamp disturbing anyone and I can work on my laptop whenever I want without the clicking of the keys keeping anyone awake.

Tell me, what are you thankful for today?

Single Shaming

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Happy Friday, my fellow Divas! Fridays are always good and welcome but I know I have seen them differently since my split. No longer do I have standing plans or an automatic date for whatever is going on. The weekend can be good for going out with friends (I don’t have to check anyone’s schedule but mine) or relaxing at home (yes, I am going to wear my pajamas half the day . . . so?) but if you’re feeling particularly down or lonely, the weekends can bring that pain to the surface. You can feel isolated and alone at home; out with friends, you can be surrounded by couples, further highlighting your new singledom.

Before you split, you may have been thinking about all the wonderful things that being single would bring you. Your friends and family may have told you how awesome your life would be. You may have reminded yourself how great your life was pre-marriage and expected it to go right back to where it was. But the reality may be entirely different.

I have felt single shamed. It happened to me probably a month after I moved out. I had an appointment with my therapist and had time to kill. I did some window shopping and then decided I would grab brunch. I had a book to read while I ate so I thought I would be good to go. And I was . . . until I was seated at one of the mini-booths that hold two people and realized that I was the only solo person in the place. Everywhere I looked were couples and families. Worse, I was seated by the front door so every single family and couple that came through the door took a gander at me. I immediately felt self-conscious and shamed. Were they asking themselves “Doesn’t she have any friends?” “Why is she eating alone?” “Wow, it must suck to be her!” I felt naked and exposed. I had no wedding ring to say “Look! I’m part of a couple!” I had no Number 2 with me, or Kidlet. That was the first time it really sunk in for me that I was on my own.

Obviously I have no idea what those people may or may not have been saying about me. I speculate because I remember doing that myself, seeing a person eating all by their lonesome and wondering if they wanted to eat alone, if they enjoyed eating alone or . . . well, anything! I never meant anything rude or bad by it – – maybe it’s human nature – -but I was single shaming. Ouch.

So I have to wonder . . . does our society single shame?

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Why worry?

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I love this saying. Not that I necessarily follow it, of course.

I am a worrier. There, I said it. I worry about everything. I try not to. I try to keep a balanced, business-like approach but sometimes I guess I’m just too damn emotional or hormonal or something but I worry. Even when everyone tells me not to, I worry. I could definitely be a Class A worrier before the split but since — Worry City. I guess it’s natural, given the many changes my life has undergone this year. And most people are very happy to share their miserable, holy-cow-does-life-suck divorce stories with you.

What is crazy is that I work in a field where I have to be level headed and not emotional. I’m fine at work. I can separate myself from whatever is going on. I can analyze cooly and clearly with the best of them. And I know that worrying won’t change the outcome of anything. It truly won’t. But when it comes to my personal life and emotions . . .

Case in point: When Number 2 told me he was going to drag me into court, I worried. Even when family and friends told me that he was likely just blowing hot air because he’s impulsive and stupid enough to do that, I still worried. What if he’s not? Even when I was told by an attorney that he was shooting himself in the foot and such a thing would only benefit me, I worried. What if it doesn’t? I worried to the point that I had stomach cramps, I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep. I have moved on from Number 2, I’m ready to be done with him so why?

Are you a worrier? Were you a worrier prior to your separation or divorce? How do you deal with a worrying nature while going about your day to day life?

Do You Boycott Others’ Happiness and Love?

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I came across an article titled “How To Deal: Other People’s Happiness” on a site called Everyone Gets Divorced. While this is a humorous, tongue-in-cheek look at how everyone appears to be getting engaged, married and blissfully happy while your world is changing and/or crumbling around you, it really resonated with me.

I found that once I changed my name on Facebook and deleted my relationship status entirely (to eventually be replaced by “divorced”), I seemed to be inundated with friends that were celebrating their love and happiness. As if that wasn’t bad enough, every spammy ad on every internet site I visited was for engagement rings. I hated them all. I hated everyone.

Okay, so maybe I didn’t hate everyone but I did hate those stupid engagement ring ads.

A family member got married several months after Number 2 and I split and while I didn’t attend the out of town wedding, I couldn’t help but have the pessimistic parade flowing freely through my mind; i.e., “Hope she knows what she’s getting into,” “Hope she doesn’t change her name anytime soon,” “Yeah, it’s all fun and games the first few months!” etc.

Let’s be honest. When you are dealing with the most difficult emotional time you may ever deal with in life, it’s pretty damn hard to be roses and sunshine to people who are celebrating the most wonderful emotional time in theirs. I’m sure I was an annoying ray of sunshine when Number 2 and I were first engaged and getting married. I’m sure if I could go back in time to that person right now, I would kick the shit out of her. So how do we manage to be happy for others without putting ourselves into a further funk?

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What To Do When He Becomes an Ass

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This could be a rhetorical question because maybe your SO was an ass to begin with or during the course of your relationship and that’s why he’s your ex. Mine sure was.

But he’s really pulling out the douchebag card recently, threatening to drag me into court. My first instinct? Cut his balls off with a rusty knife. My second? Know any hitmen? My third? Go with an old standby – – make a voodoo doll and start pricking the hell out of it!

Okay, so I jest. Mostly. Because cutting his balls off really seems like just punishment. However . . . since I have no desire to spend any time in an orange jumpsuit in county lockup, I figured it was best to take this online and see how others deal with it.

I do wonder if perhaps the fabulous new single life that Number 2 was expecting hasn’t exactly materialized and he’s pissed. I wonder if his big assed side piece maybe isn’t nearly as much fun now that the wife is out of the picture. I wonder if the Kidlet is being understandably moody, emotional and difficult. (If so . . . GOOD!) Like most exes, I’m an easy target. I can be blamed for most anything because I’m not there to defend myself and it certainly is much easier for Number 2 to blame me than himself, right?

What is his deal anyhow? He was the one that called a day on our marriage and he was the one that was so anxious to end it and get it finalized. Why the delay now? Why not leave me alone and enjoy your homewrecking hooker?

So many questions. I don’t sympathize with him. I don’t understand him. All this does is makes me question how I missed the seemingly obvious douchebaggery signs that emanate off him now like cocaine and alcohol fumes from Lindsay Lohan.

Have you dealt with this? And by this, I mean your ex going back on a previous agreement, turning into a major pain in the ass and trying to make your life hell for his enjoyment?

If you have, let’s commiserate!

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