Sensible or Cynical?

imagesIt’s inevitable that at some point during or following your divorce you will question whether you want to give it another shot (marriage, I mean, not your ex — although shooting your ex is tempting).   I have come down firmly on the side of the “hell no, I’d rather cut my tongue off with a rusty knife than marry again” and it’s confused some people.

Let me explain.  This is my second divorce.  My second failed attempt at what is quite possibly the most important decision you can make in life.    I will take some blame for the failures of my marriages but in suffering through this second divorce I have realized that my two former spouses have a lot of dysfunctions and general fuckeries in common.  Clearly I do not choose well in the husband department.  So doesn’t it make sense to realize that my picker is broken, or at least severely compromised, and graciously remove myself from the marriage arena?

I think so but I have been told multiple times “third time’s the charm!”  Well, what about people who have been married four or more times?  They must have thought the third time was the charm also . . . and it wasn’t.

Someone also told me that if I quit, if I throw in the proverbial towel, that Number Two wins.  Maybe . . . but is this a game?  Possibly it was for Number Two, Douche Du Jour that he was,  but not for me.  So does it matter who “wins?”

I guess my question then is this – – am I being sensible in refusing to consider a future marriage or am I being cynical?

What say you, brilliant readers?

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When Are You Truly Free?

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It’s been many months since I last posted.  A lot has gone on in my life and yet, not enough has changed.

By that I mean I am still legally married.  Ugh.  Sad but true.  Not through any procrastination on my part but rather Number Two – – who couldn’t wait to move on from me less than twenty-four hours after telling me he was done with our relationship – – suddenly seemed to find finalizing our divorce not exactly a priority.  Why?  No idea and I guess it doesn’t really matter.  It’s just incredibly frustrating.

So I’m still working with that, still working on getting myself legally free of him and what do you know?  Valentine’s Day hits.

I hate Valentine’s Day.  I always have had a hate-hate relationship with it, even when I have been part of a couple.  It’s a bullshit “holiday” that exists only to make single people feel bad about themselves.  What is that about?  Let’s pick a day to celebrate love and lovers and exclude a great part of the population!  Awesome!

I chose to go to an event that was supposed to be a social thing, to meet people and not necessarily in the male-female pair off sense.  And yet it felt just like that.  I felt uncomfortable and realized that while I have moved on in my life, I’m just not free yet.  I’m perfectly happy going out with my friends to just have fun and hang out but I’m not in a place (yet) where I am ready to become a duo again.

My question to you, lovelies, is are you truly free?  How long did it take for you to become free?  Care to share any war stories?

Game Show Hostesses Need Not Apply

imagesCAHPMEHBThis may sound like a crazy question but stick with me, okay?

Can you be subjected to too much positivity at times?  Don’t you have those moments where you just need a “woe is me” minute?  Or hour?  Or day?  And if you do, isn’t that okay?

I am not a depressive person generally.  My instances with depression have always been connected to men (go figure).   But there are occasions when I am feeling blue and I just don’t want to hear “You are so much better off now!”, “Embrace this change!”, “Better now than later . . . “, “He obviously wasn’t right for you”, “Now you are free to find a better man!”, etc.  Honestly, with regard to statement 1, no shit.  Statement 2 (and remember this is when I’m feeling blue), fuck the change right now.  Statement 3, maybe but it all sucks and say that again and you will find yourself face planted on the pavement three flights down.  Statement 4, oh really?  Where were you when I asked your opinion on him before I committed?  Statement 5, contrary to popular opinion, when you are in the midst of a divorce the last thing you truly need is yet another man (or woman) to invest yourself in.  Please.

I have a friend who means well and has a great heart but last week I wanted to string her up and slime her.  I had a bad week.  A horrible week.  I didn’t need to hear any of the above statements.  I didn’t need to be reminded how much better my life was going to be and how I needed to stop thinking about all this (AS. IF.) and focus on how great I am.  Again, I know she means well but what I wanted to hear was “Your ex is a total asshole!” (heard from someone else, thank you).  Or “I’m sorry, it’ll get better” (heard from someone else, thank you).  Or “Look at that picture of Robert Downey, Jr. – – isn’t he HOT?” (heard from someone else, thank you).  Or just “I’m sorry” (heard from someone else, thank you).

You know, sometimes those of us going through the apocalypse of divorce just need to vent.  We don’t always need a cheerleader to remind us of how awesomely, wonderfully positive this major life change will be for us.  We don’t always want people to act like our mother and tell us to snap out of it.  We know we need to snap out of it (eventually) and we know our life will eventually get back on track and improve.   And while we’re blue, while we’re grieving, it’s always appreciated to know that what we’re feeling is okay. It’s normal.

tumblr_lnthsta9V01qc630fo1_400Said friend above who is dangerously close to a sliming has the unfortunate habit of asking me almost daily how I feel, if I’m better, what I’m doing, etc.  When I am feeling particularly bitchy I consider saying “I was just about to hang myself from my shower rod but I guess I can wait until after this call.” or “I’m so glad you called!  How long does it take lye to destroy a body?”  But that would probably increase her worry about my mental state and therefore increase the phone calls.   I don’t mind that she’s checking up on me; in fact, it’s nice to know that if you go off the grid for more than eight hours, someone notices.  However . . . being constantly asked how you’re doing and feeling makes me feel as though I’m on a specific timetable for overcoming grief and getting through this divorce.  I certainly don’t need that.

Talk to me.  Do you have friends or family that you feel have you on a grief timetable?  Are you currently blue over your loss?  Do you think there can be moments when sunshine and roses just isn’t acceptable?  Do you miss the original The Price is Right as much as I do?

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

1-forward-2-backOh regression, how I hate you.

Maybe I should have known.  Having been split for six months and seeming to deal with it incredibly well emotionally . . .  Sure, a few sad moments here and there, that’s to be expected – especially around certain landmarks like birthdays, anniversaries or even hearing a familiar song that may trigger a memory.  My sad moments became full-fledged days of depression last week.  Not the type of depression that led me to a freeway overpass (melodramatic, yes) or unable to get out of bed (more realistic) but the kind where I felt as though the split had just happened.

All I could think of was my ex.  Not pining for him, absolutely not.  But feeling hurt and betrayed all over again.  Feeling angry and wanting to punch his face in, even as I remembered all the things that had drawn me to him in the first place (and questioning my sanity, as well as my sobriety levels).   Feeling anxious and scared about my future.  Would I ever find anyone to love again?  Would anyone love me again?  Would I want them to?  What if I was alone forever?  What if Number Two went on with his life without me?  What if he was happier?   What if he was more successful?  What did this mean for Thanksgiving?  Who invented Cheez Whiz and why?  (Okay, that one I stole from one of the funniest movies of the 80s – – The Sure Thing.  Haven’t seen it?  Get to it, John Cusack fans.)

Maybe the worst is the sleep (or lack thereof) issue.  I have a brand new bed.  It’s fabulous.  I have brand new sheets on my brand new bed.  They are fabulous.  I can sleep with my window open because it’s what I want – – plus it’s quiet – – so that’s fabulous.  Yet I am still tossing and turning and every damn dream involves my ex is one way or another.  So not fabulous.

And yes, I know.  My subconscious is at work.  It’s working overtime and it’s driving me crazy.  And I know that eventually it will go crawl into a hole until I’m stressing about Christmas or (hope against hope) I meet someone else that sets my heart aflutter.  But for now it sucks ass – – I’m tired and I’m a grouchity grouch when I get tortured sleep.

The stressed out stomach could be good, if I was losing numbers on the scale the way I wished I would.  And if I was at home where stomach cramps aren’t nearly as annoying and embarrassing as at work.  It’s a fact that if you ever have stomach issues at work, it will be the day all your bosses are in or you are stuck on a conference call or in a meeting . . . or the most gorgeous man ever sets foot in your office.  Irony is a cruel bitch.

So what do YOU do when you find yourself regressing?  It’s easy to know that it’s a normal part of the grieving process but how to accept that and still go about your daily life without strangling the impatient and rude woman in the grocery store checkout line or burst into tears when someone makes eye contact with you or launch into your sob story when making idle conversation?   (Okay, so I haven’t strangled anyone . . . yet).

Miracle Monday #3

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What am I grateful for today?

I am grateful for my girlfriends. It’s said that you never know who your real friends are until you’re in a crisis and that is so true. Real friends won’t just say they are sorry to hear about your split, they will go the extra mile by holding your hand when you need to cry, help you pack/unpack/move, force you into getting off your butt to go out and have that margarita! They will listen to you debate over the most irrelevant minutae of your relationship and assure you that everything will be fine and you won’t be all alone one day with twenty cats.

Do you have girlfriends like this?

What are you grateful for today?

Do You Miss Him?

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“I don’t miss him. I miss the idea of him.”
Meg Ryan as Sally Albright, “When Harry Met Sally”

It’s funny how you can be with someone for more than ten years and then go cold turkey from them via a split and not even miss them at all. Do you miss your ex? I thought I did at the beginning. I thought I was still in love with him and it devastated me. How was I supposed to move forward if I still wanted to be with him, if I still had feelings for him? Fortunately I have a great therapist (who was supposed to provide marriage counseling but ended up only counseling me) that informed me that what I was feeling wasn’t real love, it was residual emotion. Kind of like the aftershock to an earthquake, which is a very fitting description I think.

Anyhow, I love When Harry Met Sally and I love all the fantastic quotes in the movie. It’s a great movie to watch post-split because you can relate to what the characters are going through, you can root for them and you can even feel good they get together at the end – – which is wonderful since I didn’t want to watch or think about anything remotely romantic when my split first happened. In my book, romance was equivalent to horror.

Back to the topic at hand – – I do miss the idea of Number 2. I miss having someone to share news with immediately, good or bad. I miss going to sleep next to someone and waking next to them. I miss having an automatic date for a movie I want to see or a restaurant I want to try. When I was watching World War Z, I kept thinking that if and when the zombie apocalypse went down, I am on my own. I had better make sure I am fully armed and ready and able to kick some ass because I won’t have a Brad Pitt to do it for me. I miss the idea of that partner for life.

But then I start thinking that I can share news, good or bad, with my friends and family. I may not be sleeping next to someone right now but at least I don’t have to wake up to morning breath, or the covers being pulled off me or being crowded out of bed. (I also don’t have to worry about being kicked, elbowed or smacked in my sleep, all of which happened with Number 2). By the end of our relationship, I didn’t have an automatic date for a movie I wanted to see because he always seemed to find a reason not to go, mainly because he was taking someone else out for movies. And obviously while Number 2 and I were legally married, he wasn’t a true partner for life.

So yes. I am very much a Sally. I miss the idea of him but not the person himself.

How about you? Do you miss him? If so, why? And what do you miss?

And So It Begins

Hello friends – – or at least I hope we will be friends. If you found me and my blog, you must be involved in a divorce or relationship ending as I am.

Let’s face it . . . divorce sucks. Even if you want it (which I didn’t) and/or even if you know your life will be better (and mine already is), it is one of the most trying, difficult and stressful events you can face in life. It is the death of a relationship but without the closure of a funeral. Morbid but true. As my tagline says, divorce is a bitch.

So about me . . . I am a fortyish professional woman with no biological children (post to follow about that, I’m sure) who is assured and even feisty in general but allowed myself to be controlled by my soon to be former husband who I want to call The Agent of Satan but who could just as easily be Mr. Know It All, Einstein or Pain in My Ass. I’m not sure why I allowed myself to become more reserved and meek, other than generally being someone who doesn’t thrive on conflict, but maybe this blog will help me to discover my inner bitch. And keep her alive.

We were together for over ten years, I cared for and reared his Kidlet (oftentimes while he was traveling for work) and now that said Kidlet is not much longer for being a minor, said Pain in My Ass has decided that he doesn’t want to waste any more of his time and doesn’t want to be married any longer.

This will be my journey through a divorce, through separation from the Kidlet, through moving and starting over and about surviving it all. As Bette Davis famously said “Buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy night!” Bumps and all, I’m happy that you’re joining me for the journey.