Do You Miss Him?

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“I don’t miss him. I miss the idea of him.”
Meg Ryan as Sally Albright, “When Harry Met Sally”

It’s funny how you can be with someone for more than ten years and then go cold turkey from them via a split and not even miss them at all. Do you miss your ex? I thought I did at the beginning. I thought I was still in love with him and it devastated me. How was I supposed to move forward if I still wanted to be with him, if I still had feelings for him? Fortunately I have a great therapist (who was supposed to provide marriage counseling but ended up only counseling me) that informed me that what I was feeling wasn’t real love, it was residual emotion. Kind of like the aftershock to an earthquake, which is a very fitting description I think.

Anyhow, I love When Harry Met Sally and I love all the fantastic quotes in the movie. It’s a great movie to watch post-split because you can relate to what the characters are going through, you can root for them and you can even feel good they get together at the end – – which is wonderful since I didn’t want to watch or think about anything remotely romantic when my split first happened. In my book, romance was equivalent to horror.

Back to the topic at hand – – I do miss the idea of Number 2. I miss having someone to share news with immediately, good or bad. I miss going to sleep next to someone and waking next to them. I miss having an automatic date for a movie I want to see or a restaurant I want to try. When I was watching World War Z, I kept thinking that if and when the zombie apocalypse went down, I am on my own. I had better make sure I am fully armed and ready and able to kick some ass because I won’t have a Brad Pitt to do it for me. I miss the idea of that partner for life.

But then I start thinking that I can share news, good or bad, with my friends and family. I may not be sleeping next to someone right now but at least I don’t have to wake up to morning breath, or the covers being pulled off me or being crowded out of bed. (I also don’t have to worry about being kicked, elbowed or smacked in my sleep, all of which happened with Number 2). By the end of our relationship, I didn’t have an automatic date for a movie I wanted to see because he always seemed to find a reason not to go, mainly because he was taking someone else out for movies. And obviously while Number 2 and I were legally married, he wasn’t a true partner for life.

So yes. I am very much a Sally. I miss the idea of him but not the person himself.

How about you? Do you miss him? If so, why? And what do you miss?

Is Divorce Genetic?

divorceI guess this could go the way of the infamous Twinkie defense but I think it’s a topic worth discussing.

For starters, I am currently going through my second divorce but I myself don’t come from a family of divorce. My parents have been married for more than 45 years. Both sets of grandparents were married for over 55 years. You could say that I am either the redheaded stepchild of the family or I have an uncanny ability to choose poor marriage partners (and the second assumption is pretty darn good). But I think it’s interesting to look at both my former spouse and current (but not for long) spouse.

Spouse Number 1 came from a family of divorce. His father was married five times, his mother three or four. He was left alone quite a bit as a young child. He didn’t have a solid family unit, or parental unit, to show him commitment, responsibility, nurturing or how to work through difficulties.

Spouse Number 2 comes from a family of divorce. Father married four times (so far), mother married three (so far). He was left to his own devices, it seems, quite a bit with his father working and playing and stepmother handling the household. Obviously no solid marital unit to show him commitment, responsibility or how to work through difficulties.

So did either Number 1 or Number 2 have any chance at all of a successful marriage? It wouldn’t seem so, not if you base your opinion on their backgrounds and family history.

This begs the question of whether ornot history is destined to repeat itself . . . and what to do to prevent that.

Obviously, neither you nor I can prevent others from choosing to do what they do. Number 2 wasn’t willing to go to counseling or do whatever it took to attempt to save the marriage. I think he would rather just be done with it and jump into an exciting new relationship than really work at it – – because he’s an ass. Number 1 was wary of counseling, mainly because he thought the counselor/therapist would tell me to leave him. I think both Numbers were also afraid that a counselor would hit on exactly what their issues and dysfunctions were, which is probably scary to someoen who has those issues and dysfunctions and doesn’t want to admit it.

With hindsight, I should have really thought more about entering into a committed relationship with Number 2. But I was in love and he told me that he recognized the problems his parents had, especially his father, and he wasn’t going to make the same mistakes (which of course he has made by the book). What do you do in that instance? Do you hold the person’s family and parental actions against them?

What do you think? Is divorce genetic? Are we setting up our future generations to be multiple marrieds?