Sensible or Cynical?

imagesIt’s inevitable that at some point during or following your divorce you will question whether you want to give it another shot (marriage, I mean, not your ex — although shooting your ex is tempting).   I have come down firmly on the side of the “hell no, I’d rather cut my tongue off with a rusty knife than marry again” and it’s confused some people.

Let me explain.  This is my second divorce.  My second failed attempt at what is quite possibly the most important decision you can make in life.    I will take some blame for the failures of my marriages but in suffering through this second divorce I have realized that my two former spouses have a lot of dysfunctions and general fuckeries in common.  Clearly I do not choose well in the husband department.  So doesn’t it make sense to realize that my picker is broken, or at least severely compromised, and graciously remove myself from the marriage arena?

I think so but I have been told multiple times “third time’s the charm!”  Well, what about people who have been married four or more times?  They must have thought the third time was the charm also . . . and it wasn’t.

Someone also told me that if I quit, if I throw in the proverbial towel, that Number Two wins.  Maybe . . . but is this a game?  Possibly it was for Number Two, Douche Du Jour that he was,  but not for me.  So does it matter who “wins?”

I guess my question then is this – – am I being sensible in refusing to consider a future marriage or am I being cynical?

What say you, brilliant readers?

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When Are You Truly Free?

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It’s been many months since I last posted.  A lot has gone on in my life and yet, not enough has changed.

By that I mean I am still legally married.  Ugh.  Sad but true.  Not through any procrastination on my part but rather Number Two – – who couldn’t wait to move on from me less than twenty-four hours after telling me he was done with our relationship – – suddenly seemed to find finalizing our divorce not exactly a priority.  Why?  No idea and I guess it doesn’t really matter.  It’s just incredibly frustrating.

So I’m still working with that, still working on getting myself legally free of him and what do you know?  Valentine’s Day hits.

I hate Valentine’s Day.  I always have had a hate-hate relationship with it, even when I have been part of a couple.  It’s a bullshit “holiday” that exists only to make single people feel bad about themselves.  What is that about?  Let’s pick a day to celebrate love and lovers and exclude a great part of the population!  Awesome!

I chose to go to an event that was supposed to be a social thing, to meet people and not necessarily in the male-female pair off sense.  And yet it felt just like that.  I felt uncomfortable and realized that while I have moved on in my life, I’m just not free yet.  I’m perfectly happy going out with my friends to just have fun and hang out but I’m not in a place (yet) where I am ready to become a duo again.

My question to you, lovelies, is are you truly free?  How long did it take for you to become free?  Care to share any war stories?

Single Shaming

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Happy Friday, my fellow Divas! Fridays are always good and welcome but I know I have seen them differently since my split. No longer do I have standing plans or an automatic date for whatever is going on. The weekend can be good for going out with friends (I don’t have to check anyone’s schedule but mine) or relaxing at home (yes, I am going to wear my pajamas half the day . . . so?) but if you’re feeling particularly down or lonely, the weekends can bring that pain to the surface. You can feel isolated and alone at home; out with friends, you can be surrounded by couples, further highlighting your new singledom.

Before you split, you may have been thinking about all the wonderful things that being single would bring you. Your friends and family may have told you how awesome your life would be. You may have reminded yourself how great your life was pre-marriage and expected it to go right back to where it was. But the reality may be entirely different.

I have felt single shamed. It happened to me probably a month after I moved out. I had an appointment with my therapist and had time to kill. I did some window shopping and then decided I would grab brunch. I had a book to read while I ate so I thought I would be good to go. And I was . . . until I was seated at one of the mini-booths that hold two people and realized that I was the only solo person in the place. Everywhere I looked were couples and families. Worse, I was seated by the front door so every single family and couple that came through the door took a gander at me. I immediately felt self-conscious and shamed. Were they asking themselves “Doesn’t she have any friends?” “Why is she eating alone?” “Wow, it must suck to be her!” I felt naked and exposed. I had no wedding ring to say “Look! I’m part of a couple!” I had no Number 2 with me, or Kidlet. That was the first time it really sunk in for me that I was on my own.

Obviously I have no idea what those people may or may not have been saying about me. I speculate because I remember doing that myself, seeing a person eating all by their lonesome and wondering if they wanted to eat alone, if they enjoyed eating alone or . . . well, anything! I never meant anything rude or bad by it – – maybe it’s human nature – -but I was single shaming. Ouch.

So I have to wonder . . . does our society single shame?

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What To Do When He Becomes an Ass

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This could be a rhetorical question because maybe your SO was an ass to begin with or during the course of your relationship and that’s why he’s your ex. Mine sure was.

But he’s really pulling out the douchebag card recently, threatening to drag me into court. My first instinct? Cut his balls off with a rusty knife. My second? Know any hitmen? My third? Go with an old standby – – make a voodoo doll and start pricking the hell out of it!

Okay, so I jest. Mostly. Because cutting his balls off really seems like just punishment. However . . . since I have no desire to spend any time in an orange jumpsuit in county lockup, I figured it was best to take this online and see how others deal with it.

I do wonder if perhaps the fabulous new single life that Number 2 was expecting hasn’t exactly materialized and he’s pissed. I wonder if his big assed side piece maybe isn’t nearly as much fun now that the wife is out of the picture. I wonder if the Kidlet is being understandably moody, emotional and difficult. (If so . . . GOOD!) Like most exes, I’m an easy target. I can be blamed for most anything because I’m not there to defend myself and it certainly is much easier for Number 2 to blame me than himself, right?

What is his deal anyhow? He was the one that called a day on our marriage and he was the one that was so anxious to end it and get it finalized. Why the delay now? Why not leave me alone and enjoy your homewrecking hooker?

So many questions. I don’t sympathize with him. I don’t understand him. All this does is makes me question how I missed the seemingly obvious douchebaggery signs that emanate off him now like cocaine and alcohol fumes from Lindsay Lohan.

Have you dealt with this? And by this, I mean your ex going back on a previous agreement, turning into a major pain in the ass and trying to make your life hell for his enjoyment?

If you have, let’s commiserate!

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Miracle Monday #1

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Mondays are a bitch, aren’t they?  No matter how much, or little, we do over the weekend Monday shows up like a steamroller and even though I truly love my job, I always find myself wishing for just one more day.  Or at least more time to sleep in.

So I think I will start posting things that I am grateful for on Mondays.  It’s a good way to start the week and a good reminder that even in the tornado of a divorce, there are still blessings – – and miracles – – to be found.

What am I grateful for today?  I am grateful for my job.  Not only did I get it at the perfect time, right after I moved, but I work with fantastic, kind and fun people who make the so-called 9-5 a joy.  As an added bonus, I took a nice pay raise for this job.  Take that, Number 2!

Tell me, what are you thankful for today?

Is Divorce Genetic?

divorceI guess this could go the way of the infamous Twinkie defense but I think it’s a topic worth discussing.

For starters, I am currently going through my second divorce but I myself don’t come from a family of divorce. My parents have been married for more than 45 years. Both sets of grandparents were married for over 55 years. You could say that I am either the redheaded stepchild of the family or I have an uncanny ability to choose poor marriage partners (and the second assumption is pretty darn good). But I think it’s interesting to look at both my former spouse and current (but not for long) spouse.

Spouse Number 1 came from a family of divorce. His father was married five times, his mother three or four. He was left alone quite a bit as a young child. He didn’t have a solid family unit, or parental unit, to show him commitment, responsibility, nurturing or how to work through difficulties.

Spouse Number 2 comes from a family of divorce. Father married four times (so far), mother married three (so far). He was left to his own devices, it seems, quite a bit with his father working and playing and stepmother handling the household. Obviously no solid marital unit to show him commitment, responsibility or how to work through difficulties.

So did either Number 1 or Number 2 have any chance at all of a successful marriage? It wouldn’t seem so, not if you base your opinion on their backgrounds and family history.

This begs the question of whether ornot history is destined to repeat itself . . . and what to do to prevent that.

Obviously, neither you nor I can prevent others from choosing to do what they do. Number 2 wasn’t willing to go to counseling or do whatever it took to attempt to save the marriage. I think he would rather just be done with it and jump into an exciting new relationship than really work at it – – because he’s an ass. Number 1 was wary of counseling, mainly because he thought the counselor/therapist would tell me to leave him. I think both Numbers were also afraid that a counselor would hit on exactly what their issues and dysfunctions were, which is probably scary to someoen who has those issues and dysfunctions and doesn’t want to admit it.

With hindsight, I should have really thought more about entering into a committed relationship with Number 2. But I was in love and he told me that he recognized the problems his parents had, especially his father, and he wasn’t going to make the same mistakes (which of course he has made by the book). What do you do in that instance? Do you hold the person’s family and parental actions against them?

What do you think? Is divorce genetic? Are we setting up our future generations to be multiple marrieds?