Online Dating – Yea or Nay?

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You’d have to be living under a rock in the middle of nowhere to have no idea or opinions about online dating so I’m curious as to what you think (because obviously you’re not under a rock).    I did the online dating thing myself years ago, after Number One but before Number Two.  At that time, online dating was relatively new and the only common site was what is now Match.com.  (At that time it was Love@Aol.com)  There were dating services, of course.  One of my girlfriends tried out It’s Just Lunch and while she didn’t meet her soulmate or love match, she met a few nice people.  It was an interesting concept – – you pay a fee for something like six dates, you flip through a book of “potentials” and make your selection.  The service or agency contacts that person to see if he or she is interested and if so, you meet for lunch . . . hence, the name.  Kind of like eHarmony without the online presence but with food.

I didn’t meet my love match doing the online thing either but I did meet some interesting people and I did date one of them for a few months.  We should have remained friends and not tried the romance thing but that’s another story.

Hello, I'm a douche who uses online dating to get laid.  Nice to meet you.

Hello, I’m a douche who uses online dating to get laid. Nice to meet you.

I’ve been watching The Online Dating Rituals of the American Male on Bravo (because I am totally Bravo’s bitch but yet another story) and I’m both fascinated and horrified.  It’s like a televised train wreck that you can’t avert your eyes from.  If Lindsay Lohen was part of this, it would be trashy gold.   If this show is representative of what’s out there, we’re all doomed.  One guy (can’t call him a man but a douche would certainly be fitting) uses online dating to get laid.  He’s online 24/7 (thank goodness he works for Daddy) and books at least two dates a night to cover all his bases.  He suggests specifically looking for overweight women or women who used to be overweight because they have self-esteem issues and are much easier to get into bed.    Another one was dumped by his girlfriend five years ago and it so traumatized him, now he’s an asshole.  He wants very young women (think 21) who are physically perfect but they don’t need anything going on mentally because he wants to mold them anyhow.  Their kneecaps better not be too big and their breasts and waists had better be in perfect proportion.The show has only aired twice, so far, and these are the douchier candidates.  I will say the “nice guy” in the first episode did seem exactly that and the “nice guy” in the second one seemed okay, albeit high on dorky pills.  But is this reality?  Or are they simply reality “stars” who are playing a part?

I’ve also read that something like 79% of the males that are online on these sites are actually already married or in relationships.  If true, online dating is this era’s version of the dive bar.    One of my girlfriends questioned where we are supposed to meet men if not online?

It’s a depressing thought, isn’t it?  Is online our only option?  What do you do if you’re a nice, attractive woman over 40 who either isn’t trophy wife material (or doesn’t have the desire) and/or is out of the childbearing/rearing arena?

So give me some love, friends, and tell me what you think.  Is online dating for you?  Have you met anyone worthwhile or is it just a scam?   Is it worth participating in or are you just setting yourself up for hurt or embarrassment?   I’m listening . . .

 

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Online Dating – – the Male Perspective

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Bravo is airing a new show tonight called Online Dating Rituals of the American Male – – it follows several men around who participate in online dating.  Will you be watching?

I certainly will.  I think it will be fascinating to see the online dating world from the male perspective, if it’s truthful.  Will it be funny?  Maybe.  Will it be scary?  Most likely.  But I’m still in.

Review to come.

Sensible or Cynical?

imagesIt’s inevitable that at some point during or following your divorce you will question whether you want to give it another shot (marriage, I mean, not your ex — although shooting your ex is tempting).   I have come down firmly on the side of the “hell no, I’d rather cut my tongue off with a rusty knife than marry again” and it’s confused some people.

Let me explain.  This is my second divorce.  My second failed attempt at what is quite possibly the most important decision you can make in life.    I will take some blame for the failures of my marriages but in suffering through this second divorce I have realized that my two former spouses have a lot of dysfunctions and general fuckeries in common.  Clearly I do not choose well in the husband department.  So doesn’t it make sense to realize that my picker is broken, or at least severely compromised, and graciously remove myself from the marriage arena?

I think so but I have been told multiple times “third time’s the charm!”  Well, what about people who have been married four or more times?  They must have thought the third time was the charm also . . . and it wasn’t.

Someone also told me that if I quit, if I throw in the proverbial towel, that Number Two wins.  Maybe . . . but is this a game?  Possibly it was for Number Two, Douche Du Jour that he was,  but not for me.  So does it matter who “wins?”

I guess my question then is this – – am I being sensible in refusing to consider a future marriage or am I being cynical?

What say you, brilliant readers?

Game Show Hostesses Need Not Apply

imagesCAHPMEHBThis may sound like a crazy question but stick with me, okay?

Can you be subjected to too much positivity at times?  Don’t you have those moments where you just need a “woe is me” minute?  Or hour?  Or day?  And if you do, isn’t that okay?

I am not a depressive person generally.  My instances with depression have always been connected to men (go figure).   But there are occasions when I am feeling blue and I just don’t want to hear “You are so much better off now!”, “Embrace this change!”, “Better now than later . . . “, “He obviously wasn’t right for you”, “Now you are free to find a better man!”, etc.  Honestly, with regard to statement 1, no shit.  Statement 2 (and remember this is when I’m feeling blue), fuck the change right now.  Statement 3, maybe but it all sucks and say that again and you will find yourself face planted on the pavement three flights down.  Statement 4, oh really?  Where were you when I asked your opinion on him before I committed?  Statement 5, contrary to popular opinion, when you are in the midst of a divorce the last thing you truly need is yet another man (or woman) to invest yourself in.  Please.

I have a friend who means well and has a great heart but last week I wanted to string her up and slime her.  I had a bad week.  A horrible week.  I didn’t need to hear any of the above statements.  I didn’t need to be reminded how much better my life was going to be and how I needed to stop thinking about all this (AS. IF.) and focus on how great I am.  Again, I know she means well but what I wanted to hear was “Your ex is a total asshole!” (heard from someone else, thank you).  Or “I’m sorry, it’ll get better” (heard from someone else, thank you).  Or “Look at that picture of Robert Downey, Jr. – – isn’t he HOT?” (heard from someone else, thank you).  Or just “I’m sorry” (heard from someone else, thank you).

You know, sometimes those of us going through the apocalypse of divorce just need to vent.  We don’t always need a cheerleader to remind us of how awesomely, wonderfully positive this major life change will be for us.  We don’t always want people to act like our mother and tell us to snap out of it.  We know we need to snap out of it (eventually) and we know our life will eventually get back on track and improve.   And while we’re blue, while we’re grieving, it’s always appreciated to know that what we’re feeling is okay. It’s normal.

tumblr_lnthsta9V01qc630fo1_400Said friend above who is dangerously close to a sliming has the unfortunate habit of asking me almost daily how I feel, if I’m better, what I’m doing, etc.  When I am feeling particularly bitchy I consider saying “I was just about to hang myself from my shower rod but I guess I can wait until after this call.” or “I’m so glad you called!  How long does it take lye to destroy a body?”  But that would probably increase her worry about my mental state and therefore increase the phone calls.   I don’t mind that she’s checking up on me; in fact, it’s nice to know that if you go off the grid for more than eight hours, someone notices.  However . . . being constantly asked how you’re doing and feeling makes me feel as though I’m on a specific timetable for overcoming grief and getting through this divorce.  I certainly don’t need that.

Talk to me.  Do you have friends or family that you feel have you on a grief timetable?  Are you currently blue over your loss?  Do you think there can be moments when sunshine and roses just isn’t acceptable?  Do you miss the original The Price is Right as much as I do?

Miracle Monday #3

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What am I grateful for today?

I am grateful for my girlfriends. It’s said that you never know who your real friends are until you’re in a crisis and that is so true. Real friends won’t just say they are sorry to hear about your split, they will go the extra mile by holding your hand when you need to cry, help you pack/unpack/move, force you into getting off your butt to go out and have that margarita! They will listen to you debate over the most irrelevant minutae of your relationship and assure you that everything will be fine and you won’t be all alone one day with twenty cats.

Do you have girlfriends like this?

What are you grateful for today?

Do You Miss Him?

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“I don’t miss him. I miss the idea of him.”
Meg Ryan as Sally Albright, “When Harry Met Sally”

It’s funny how you can be with someone for more than ten years and then go cold turkey from them via a split and not even miss them at all. Do you miss your ex? I thought I did at the beginning. I thought I was still in love with him and it devastated me. How was I supposed to move forward if I still wanted to be with him, if I still had feelings for him? Fortunately I have a great therapist (who was supposed to provide marriage counseling but ended up only counseling me) that informed me that what I was feeling wasn’t real love, it was residual emotion. Kind of like the aftershock to an earthquake, which is a very fitting description I think.

Anyhow, I love When Harry Met Sally and I love all the fantastic quotes in the movie. It’s a great movie to watch post-split because you can relate to what the characters are going through, you can root for them and you can even feel good they get together at the end – – which is wonderful since I didn’t want to watch or think about anything remotely romantic when my split first happened. In my book, romance was equivalent to horror.

Back to the topic at hand – – I do miss the idea of Number 2. I miss having someone to share news with immediately, good or bad. I miss going to sleep next to someone and waking next to them. I miss having an automatic date for a movie I want to see or a restaurant I want to try. When I was watching World War Z, I kept thinking that if and when the zombie apocalypse went down, I am on my own. I had better make sure I am fully armed and ready and able to kick some ass because I won’t have a Brad Pitt to do it for me. I miss the idea of that partner for life.

But then I start thinking that I can share news, good or bad, with my friends and family. I may not be sleeping next to someone right now but at least I don’t have to wake up to morning breath, or the covers being pulled off me or being crowded out of bed. (I also don’t have to worry about being kicked, elbowed or smacked in my sleep, all of which happened with Number 2). By the end of our relationship, I didn’t have an automatic date for a movie I wanted to see because he always seemed to find a reason not to go, mainly because he was taking someone else out for movies. And obviously while Number 2 and I were legally married, he wasn’t a true partner for life.

So yes. I am very much a Sally. I miss the idea of him but not the person himself.

How about you? Do you miss him? If so, why? And what do you miss?

And So It Begins

Hello friends – – or at least I hope we will be friends. If you found me and my blog, you must be involved in a divorce or relationship ending as I am.

Let’s face it . . . divorce sucks. Even if you want it (which I didn’t) and/or even if you know your life will be better (and mine already is), it is one of the most trying, difficult and stressful events you can face in life. It is the death of a relationship but without the closure of a funeral. Morbid but true. As my tagline says, divorce is a bitch.

So about me . . . I am a fortyish professional woman with no biological children (post to follow about that, I’m sure) who is assured and even feisty in general but allowed myself to be controlled by my soon to be former husband who I want to call The Agent of Satan but who could just as easily be Mr. Know It All, Einstein or Pain in My Ass. I’m not sure why I allowed myself to become more reserved and meek, other than generally being someone who doesn’t thrive on conflict, but maybe this blog will help me to discover my inner bitch. And keep her alive.

We were together for over ten years, I cared for and reared his Kidlet (oftentimes while he was traveling for work) and now that said Kidlet is not much longer for being a minor, said Pain in My Ass has decided that he doesn’t want to waste any more of his time and doesn’t want to be married any longer.

This will be my journey through a divorce, through separation from the Kidlet, through moving and starting over and about surviving it all. As Bette Davis famously said “Buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy night!” Bumps and all, I’m happy that you’re joining me for the journey.